Second installment of advice column

Dear Daisy;

I have meet your royalness a few times, however we have never had the opportunity to have a cup of tea together , Nonetheless, in my current situation, I find myself stumped.

About three months ago my parents/servants decided to get me a friend before I got to "old", whatever that means. He is nice some times but other times he just walks around growling and in general stinking up the place. When he is grumpy I have had to put him in his place but for some reason he never remembers. They tell me it is not Alzheimer or dementia because he is just a year old. I am not sure how to proceed with this rare case of old man syndrome. Perhaps you could come help me dig a hole to bury him in.

TTFN

-KC

Dear KC,

First off, whats wrong with you that you can't make your own friends ?? Isn't it embarrassing that your Mommy has to buy a friend for you ?????? Not only that, it seems apparent she bought a defective one off the sale rack.

Secondly friends are over rated, they are nice for standing head to tail so they will keep flys off your face but other than that, so called friends will take your food, eat your hay, get your grooming, stand in your shade or in front of your fan and kick or bite you when you least expect it. Who needs it, If I wasn't a herd animal I would live alone.

My advice is........ Take his food, eat his hay, get his groomings, stand in his shade or in front of his fan and kick and bite him when he least expects it . It works on my subordinates and keeps them in line, let it work for you too.

Daisy

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Dear Daisy,

I met a new guy. My friends say he is a real turkey. Whenever I'm near him he follows me around and tries to put his arm...er...wing... around me. I think he wants more than I'm willing to give him. He's actually kind of pushy. But he's so handsome with dark black hair...OK, feathers...and beautiful blue......skin. He talks almost non-stop but has a great bass voice when he wants to. What should I do? I have a feeling that he'd do this with any girl. I've heard he has a thing about shoes! But he's so delicious looking. I'm stumped. Should I be thinking ahead to family holiday dinners with him??

Tantalized by Tom


Dear Tantalized,


He is only toying with your affections, I have seen other bird brains just like him and they are all over any woman like gravy on mashed potatoes. He will gobble up your love and all you will get in return is a unladylike belch.


He will come on sweet like potato casserole all marshmallowy and warm then BAM turn away and go after the next white breast or dark thigh. Leaving you abandoned like that last pea in the bottom of the serving bowl floating in melted butter.


I know you crave him now and thinking about bread stuffing yourself in bed with the Giblet man but that is only your tryptophan speaking. Take a good nap on an empty stomach and things will look brighter when the Rooster Crows.



your friend, daisy